Juilliard or Else Page 18

  Oh crap. I'm too late.

  "Abigail!" My back straightened at the shrill sound of Madame Ava's voice and I dropped my bag.

  "Yes, Madame Ava?"

  She came up from behind me, silent like a poisonous spider ready to attack at any given moment. "Why do you think I should let you audition today?" Madame Ava asked as she circled around me. Her hands clasped together at her back.

  "I'm sorry, Madame Ava. I overslept."

  She stopped in front of my face. Her eyes were just as cruel as Carol's when I disappointed her. "This is your warning, Abigail. Get in line right now and this will not happen again."

  I let out a huge sigh of relief.

  By the time I had my slippers on, I went and stood in the fifth position at the barre. Madame Ava told us that we were to perform a single dance of one of the most popular scenes of Swan Lake. Not only would we be judged on how we presented our face, but our posture, legs, arms, and while on pointe, too. One little thing we forgot or did wrong could cost us the part. I'd practiced my scene with Ramón so many times; I even had my triple pirouette down, perfectly, thanks to Madame Ava.

  Jasmine went first, setting the scene high with perfect dance moves. People were actually in awe as her feet quietly hit the floor. No sound. That's what a perfect ballerina does – if you can make your feet move and hop with no noise as you land. Jon was next; he wouldn't get the main part, but he would be the dancer to be with Odette/Odile during the scenes that needed him. Sadie was after Jon and her moves were just about as perfect as Jasmine's, until the very end when she stumbled and had to regain her footing. She just lost it. Mary was next and she was probably the worst so far in the group; she lost her footing and had to start over twice. I watched as Madame Ava made it clear that she made a big X on the clip board.

  Fifth in line and now it was my turn. I started out great; my middle was awesome and I ended my triple pirouette with grace and closed very nicely. Even with a pounding headache, I was quite proud. I loved when I was proud of myself when it was something I'd worked so hard to accomplish. We were excused into the hall as Madame Ava went through our names and decided who would best fit the part, saying she would post the paper on the door. I took off my slippers and grabbed my bag to go into the hallway. I spotted Tucker standing there with his back up against some lockers. His smiled faded when he saw me and held open his arms, into which I gladly went. Breathing in his usual Tucker scent of cigarette and leather, I was so grateful he was here.

  "Hey Tucker." I pulled away from him to see Jasmine standing behind us. He didn't say anything to her, but I heard his breathing pick up as I faced her. I crossed my arms over my chest, and Tucker took hold of my hips to press me into him.

  "What Jasmine?" I snipped.

  "Just wanted to say hi to Tucker." His hands tightened on my hips so I took charge.

  "You said it. So what do you really want?"

  Jasmine's eyes narrowed at me. "Geez Abigail, you don't need to be rude. You hear how rude she is, Tucker?"

  "I'm not. I'm honest and honestly… I don't like you," I said, standing my ground. She might be the best ballet dancer in class, but Tucker was mine. I didn't want to share with her.

  "I heard her," Tucker said behind me. That made me smile. "I like it when she's feisty," He said, kissing and softly biting my shoulder.

  The door to the ballet room opened and Madame Ava stepped out.

  "Abigail, may I speak with you?"

  I pulled away from Tucker. "Yes, Madame Ava." I picked up my ballet bag and followed her back into the studio. She softly shut the door and faced me.

  "Abigail, here's the list. I want you to read it first." She handed me a piece of paper. Why was she doing this? Did I get the part? Butterflies roamed my stomach as I read the paper. And that's when it hit me right square in my chest. My heart started to constrict with the worst feeling ever. Seeing the line up sheet of the parts, and it big bold letters it read:

  Jasmine Carter: Odette/Odile

  Abigail McCall: Understudy for Odette/Odile

  My eyes filled with tears and gushed down my face, dropping the paper as if it was on fire, and then I ran from the room. I passed Tucker crying. I also passed Jade and Rachel who surprised me outside, but I still didn't stop. He chased me all the way home, yelling at me to stop. I eventually dropped my ballet bag in the process to run away from him faster. I pushed the button in the elevator, with Tucker hot on my heels. He appeared as the doors slid shut, his face flushed from the heat of the run, but I couldn't stop my feet. I made it to my apartment in one huge crying mess.

  I wanted to be alone in the dark. I was so humiliated at myself. I practiced so hard for that spot. I wanted it more than anything and I didn't get it. Suddenly, my stomach did that nasty turn I dreaded. Running to my bedroom, straight in the bathroom right before my nerves set on edge, I threw up in the toilet. I hated myself for this. I hated the fact that I threw up every time I made myself get so upset. I sobbed in the toilet bowl as I threw up again and again until nothing came out, and my stomach cramped up as I took in deep breaths.

  "Gabs?" Tucker called from in my room.

  Oh crap. He can't see me like this. I hurried and flushed the toilet, but I was so sick to my stomach, I couldn't get up from the floor, being way too dizzy. I listened to his steps getting closer to the bathroom, then his shoes echoed on the tile and that's when he saw me. The real me.

  "Damn, Gabs, what's wrong?"

  I shut my eyes. I couldn't look at him. I was so ashamed of myself; I didn't get the part in Swan Lake, and now Tucker was here with me after I'd made myself throw up. I couldn't stop the tears this time.

  "You're so pale. Are you sick?" Tucker pulled my body up and swept away the sweaty strands of hair that was stuck to my forehead. He practically dragged me over to the double sink and rinsed my face like a sick child, which was something I never had done to me when I was little and sick.

  "I screwed up," I cried. "I screwed up so bad."

  "Shhh…baby girl. Tell me what's wrong."

  "I didn't get the part. Instead I overslept; I got drunk and partied all night long with you and I didn't get the part I've practiced for, for the longest time." My head fell on his shoulder and I cried. Tucker rubbed my back and tried his best to sooth my comfort.

  "Is that why you were throwing up? Are you hung over?"

  I didn't want to lie to him. He was already keeping things from me, and I didn't want to keep anything from him. I felt like I couldn't let the barrier grow between us.

  "No, I did it. I do that when I get upset," I mumbled out, ashamed of myself.

  "You make yourself throw up? Like an…eating disorder?"

  "It's not an eating disorder. It was at first, and now it's just something my body does on its own. I hate it so bad; I feel like I can't control it anymore. It's taken control of me."

  Tucker didn't say anything as I explained how it all started with Carol, the most evil stepmother anyone dreaded having in their life. It all started with my weight because Carol assumed I was overweight. Now I was here and it only happened when Carol got me so upset about something, I always found myself in my bathroom, hugging my toilet like a life support.

  Tucker picked me up in his strong arms and took me into my bedroom. I let him strip me down to my leotard, but I had enough strength to change into something more comfortable. I climbed back into bed and I didn't care that Tucker stripped down to his boxers again just to hold me close as I silently cried.

  I vowed to myself that I would be in that studio day in and day out. Tucker gently wiped my face. He kissed my cheek, the back of my neck and shoulder, still trying to bring me some comfort.

  "Gabs, I'm sorry that I didn't take better care of you last night. I should have stopped and taken you home last night to let you rest. I know how important this was to you and I've failed you."

  I cried harder but made no noise as he told me this. He was blaming himself that I was so upset at not getting this part. It wasn't hi
s fault; it was mine for being so irresponsible and being out late, drinking, and having fun.

  "I'm glad you told me about your throwing up thing, though." I had to laugh at the way he said that. "But promise me that you'll try and not do that. I know it can't be healthy for you." I just nodded my head to him and he kissed my shoulder over and over again. His fingertips lightly tickled my neck and back. I was so exhausted and didn't have any strength left. I was paying for what my friend and I considered fun by not getting the part I worked so hard for. I listened to Tucker's breaths and when they finally evened out, I fell asleep, feeling a little better and more comforted than I'd ever been in all my life.

  When I woke up, Tucker was still there, so we talked some more about my little problem. Tucker told me to just breathe whenever Carol called me; she couldn't do any harm to me. That made me snort. He explained how dangerous it was when I did that to myself; he didn't want me to hurt on the inside and to talk to him whenever I needed to vent – said that I could trust him. The more I was with Tucker, the more I liked him and the feelings were just getting stronger.

  That made me smile.

  I still couldn't believe I didn't get that damn part. I hated myself when I saw Jasmine's name up as Odette/Odile and I was the understudy. The thought of being the understudy irritated me to no end. I spun around and around in the mirror up on pointe, missing that last balance as I tried to position my legs just right at the end.

  Stomping my foot as I grunted, the room echoed from my frustration. I wasn't getting it; the more and harder I tried, my body wouldn't complete my turn. I was getting so aggravated with myself for being the damn understudy!

  Resting up against the barre, I hung my head. My eyes started to burn from my unshed tears. Carol will be so angry with me about this. I just kept praying that she wouldn't find out. She will hold it against me for a long time even if it was dead and buried, and she would always find a way to bring it up. Standing up straight, I went back into the middle of the studio.

  "Breathe Abigail," I told myself, and shut my eyes one more time. I started inhaling through my nose, and exhaling throughout my mouth. Opening up my eyes again, I glanced at my posture as I went up on en pointe and stood there, taking in my body. I was staring at my boxed toes, making sure my legs and knees were locked and straight, my hands down at my sides before lifting them slowly, together and over my head. Standing on en pointe with my fingers locked together, I straightened my spine, raised my chin, and held my neck up high. This was one of my favorite positions to be in, up on my toes with my arms above my head. I shut my eyes and I was a little girl again, looking in on one of the ballet classes that made me want to become a ballerina.

  I remember watching them as they slowly moved with beauty up on their toes. My body started to move with no music in the room, but with the music I heard that very day when I was little. From The Sleeping Beauty music to the Pas D'action (Rose Fairy), I remember just like it was yesterday, with the soft violins, hearing their teacher softly mutter the count to them, listening only to her voice in my head. It wasn't Madame Ava giving me direction, or Carol yelling at me this time.

  This was the time that was my favorite to dance. I felt free to do my own moves, to glide across the floor and leap into the air without a care about who was watching me. I just moved on how I felt. Most of the time I felt sad as I moved, but altogether it was one of my favorite times, being able to glide without anyone judging me on my posture. I could do it all on my own; now I could hear my feet on the wood floor in the ballet room, leaping into the air and landing flat on my feet. Knowing I landed it just perfectly, I smiled. My legs moved and I went up on pointe to turn over and over, and then tucked my right leg in to close the move in a graceful turn. My arms straight out as I bowed to no one…or so I thought.

  I opened my eyes to catch Tucker's in the mirror at the front door to the class. His arms were crossed over his chest, he was wearing his leather jacket, black pants, and gray V-neck shirt, and he had a killer smile that I just loved every time I saw him. His hair was a mess, but I liked that, too; his smile was beaming, so I could see that perfect dimple in his cheek.

  I suddenly felt very nervous that he was watching me. He pushed his body off the doorframe and slowly walked to me.

  "You were beautiful, Gabs, and you even did that toe thing." I stifled my giggle and smiled.

  "You liked it?"

  His brows raised and his blue eyes widened at my words. "Liked it? Gabs, I loved watching you just now. Your eyes shut." He brought his hand slowly up and his knuckles slowly brushed my cheek. "You looked as if you were floating and I gotta admit, that toe thing is amazing. Can you do it again?"

  This time I laughed as I went up on en pointe. Tucker bent down, resting his hands on his knees as he stared at my toes with intent eyes, studying my feet like they were the most remarkable thing he'd ever seen.

  "Damn girl, doesn't that hurt? You are seriously right up on your damn toes." He pointed at my feet and I giggled.

  "Yep, I'm right up on my damn toes." He straightened up as I came back to flat ground.

  Placing his hands on my hips he asked, "Really though, doesn't that hurt you?"

  I nodded. "It hurt really badly when I first started, but you get used to it with the stretching and doing it almost every day. Sometimes my toes still bleed and they bruise pretty badly; it can get ugly. I hate my feet, and you'll never catch me wearing flip flops."

  Tucker cringed and shook all over as if he was in pain himself. I may have over exaggerated at that. "I also gotta tell ya that you look pretty hot in the black swimming suit you're wearing." Tucker was looking behind me, and I'm sure at my butt.

  I started laughing so hard; my face flamed up and burned my cheeks from my smile.

  "It's a leotard, Tucker," I smirked.

  "Oh, you're such a smartass." Just then, Tucker grabbed me and held me up in his strong arms and I was able to wrap my legs around his waist. Laughing some more in his neck and inhaling his spicy scent of cigarettes and leather, I felt his lips touch the base of my neck and shoulder. His hands moved down to cup my butt to hold me up better and I locked my ankles.

  I moved my face to stare at him in his sparkling blue eyes as he lightly kissed my lips and they tingled at his soft caress, sending shivers down my spine and into my stomach.

  "I love hearing you laugh and seeing you smile," he said against my mouth.

  I had no words to say to him, but the whole entire room shifted with this spark between us. It was something so special that it hit me hard – the right-in-the-gut sort of feeling. I'd never felt like this before and I didn't want it to stop. Leaning back down, I kissed Tucker again and sighed in his mouth. Our tongues swiftly danced as the goose bumps moved down my arms and legs. Turning our light kiss into something more serious, the one word that came to mind was…passion. Before it could get any hotter, Tucker pulled away and set me down.

  "Now, I want to see more of your moves."

  He slapped my butt and I shook my head. He wanted to watch me and I was so going to let him. I shut my eyes again and went up en pointe to start my entire routine over. I was able to forget about Swan Lake, Jasmine, Madame Ava and Carol, because Tucker was able to help me do so and become that person I wanted to be when I was little.

  Tucker was just amazed every time I went up on my toes. I grabbed a pair of guy slippers and tossed them in his direction.

  "Put them on," I giggled.

  "Hell no. One, that's not my style and two, guys really wear these?" He held them up by a string.

  I walked over and sat down, crossing my legs at my ankles and leaned back on my elbows.

  "Yep. They even wear tights." I chuckled as I watched him pick them up with two fingers and tossed them over to the other side of me. My eyes followed them and when I turned my head back, my lips were met by Tucker's. His hand cupped my face as his tongue entered my mouth and I sighed. I let him take control over my mouth, as his body pressed into my side. I easily
laid down on the cold wood floor of the dance studio. Tucker half laid on my body as his kisses became more possessive of my mouth, one of his legs moving in between mine.

  "You taste so good, baby girl," he said, and I was lost in him. He gave my face pepper kisses down my lips to my neck and shoulder. My hands roamed in his hair and he moaned when I softly raked my nails down his scalp and the back of his neck. So I did it again, and I felt his body shudder against mine as he took my mouth again.

  "Ahem!" I untangled my legs from Tucker and shot up to my feet, pulling Tucker up with me as I faced Madame Ava.

  "Abigail." Her tone was more of a warning. "I thought you were practicing?"

  I looked down at my feet and Tucker whispered in my ear. "Look up."

  I met her eyes. "I was, but now I'm all done and Tucker came to walk me home."

  She took a breath and jerked her head towards the door, giving us a pretty big hint that our sweet time was up and we needed to go.

  "Could you excuse us, please?" Madame Ava asked Tucker.

  "I'll be right outside, baby girl." He kissed my cheek then left us alone in the ballet room. Madame Ava slowly walked up to me. I held my ground, not letting my head drop.

  "Abigail, do you know why I gave Jasmine the part?"

  I swallowed hard. I really didn't want to talk about this. "No, Madame Ava." I really wanted to tell her, "Cause she's your favorite," but I held my tongue back.

  "You were late. If you would have been on time, you would have received that part. The door was open and it closed. You were late."

  That damn Jasmine; she shut the door, not Madame Ava. I left my eyes down cast.

  "Maybe the boyfriend should wait on the sidelines."

  My eyes went back to meeting hers. "He's not my boyfriend,"

  Madame Ava grabbed my hands. "Then why is he holding you back from being the best you can be, Abigail?" Her blue eyes were honest and sincere. "Think about it." Then she went straight into her office.